So Celine Dee-Yawn, body of a broom handle, head shaped like a steam iron, voice like an over-full hoover bag (Christ, that's not a woman, that's a utility cupboard...!) is holed up in a studio somewhere with Timbaland, plotting her next assault on a world already ravaged by famine and civil war and one that could, let's be frank, do without her.
Timbaland, who at least can be commended for bringing Missy Elliott to the world's attention (tho actually was it more likely the other way around?) has recently stooped to applying his hippity-hoppity jump leads to the stinking carcass that is the reformed Duran Duran (all of the original line-up! only fatter! wow!) though i'll be over there with a bible and some olive oil in a jiffy...so the call from Dion must've seemed like divine intervention..or Candid Camera, one of the two...
Oh joy, Oh joy! (claps hands furiously and wiggles legs)...first single will inevitably be "Bang Mi Skinni Ass" featuring Nelly Furtado, Nelly The Elephant, Elephant Man, Pac Man, Top Man, P Diddy, the Diddy Men (of course!), Akon, Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Poundland and St Winifreds School Choir. The track will have been written by a committee of 57 and consist of two notes and a sound not too dissimilar to three drum kits, a blind person and their dog being pushed down a flight of stairs. In the dark. I think its a hit!
It heavily samples Toni Basil's "Mickey", and theyve generously given her a 2% writing royalty cut as they took out a whole hi hat sound from the original so it sounds nothing like it...honest! In the video, Celine chases her kitten Twinkletoes down a flight of stairs (she's wearing a thong, wooden clogs and a glove on one hand, you can hear her cursing in French if you turn the volume way up) and finds herself in a spookily deserted warehouse basement, all industrial steel and wire mesh...theres dry ice and moody red lighting (which is a bit strange for a deserted basement)...suddenly she realises she's surrounded by hordes of lithe semi naked sweaty bodies...Twinkletoes makes a dash for an exit..."Grab my pussy!" she shouts and the drums start...Celine positions herself over a bottle of Courvoisier, a bit like she's going to the loo but without the bowl there...
"Evry body look at me, me...
Open bottle like i do a pee, pee...
Move ya body round me like a nym-pho..
Watch mi cos mi really gonna sink low.."
Then she breaks into the stolen sampled chorus, singing to the bottle of courvoisier...
"Oh mickey ur so fab,
Your so fab you...
Bang mi booty!"
the track fades out with the assembled masses, faces in disgust, chanting:
"Wish we'd nevva evva met her at all!
Wish we'd nevva evva met her at all!"
Well Radio 1 will love it, thats for sure.
(leave your ideas for the follow up single in the comments box and we'll do the video to that NEXT week!)
