Well it's OBVIOUS what happens next! (And if youve come to the blog for the first time then you might want to scroll from the bottom up and not start here....)...
Cilla and Sonia, bleeding heavily and clinging onto life by the skin of their veneers are hurtling across the city in an ambulance towards the nearest A&E...well actually it's parked outside a late night caff cos the drivers are staaaaarving and theres a bit of a queue, those custard danish look good and christ knows when theyll be back on the road again...
Meryl Osmond (hurrah!) has leapt on stage...he's been here all along with the rest of the Osmonds - y'know, Donny, Jimmy, Marie, Mungo, Midge, Sooty, Sweep, Bingo, Snorky, Droopy and Fleegle - so THAT'S who friggin' booked Row A! - to save the day, has a word with the builders from Frankie and launches (as he's the hairiest of the clan - see below!) into "Long Haired Lover from Liverpool", though they haven't rehearsed any other tunes so they just do it to a sort of slow version of "Relax"....
and these are the god's honest lyrics:
"I'll be yer long haired lover from Livapooool,
An' i'll do anything you aaask,
I'll be your clown, yer puppet, yer April Fooool,
Cut my hair and wear a maaaask!"
Anything?! A mask?!! He was friggin 9!!!
(Ed - Did you know the album it came from was called "Killer Joe"?! That's one disturbed boy...)
Ken Dodd adopts the song as a new show stopping encore for the Diddy Men...
The builders from Frankie decide to build on the momentum of the gala concert and go back out on tour as Two Tripes.
Pete Burns is knighted by the Queen for services to showbusiness.
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