Beatles to reform with Ken Dodd and Sonia

To celebrate its selection as european city of culture 2008 (an honour not too dissimilar to Time Out's top 10 Up and Coming Areas, which corresponds almost identically to it's top 10 murder "hot spots") Liverpool, bless it, is holding a concert in which they threaten, sorry promise, to invite all those Liverpudlians who have had a number one single in the UK (and presumably still alive, though it could add a novel element to the show if the deceased were invited too) to perform at a special one off gala concert.
Christ on a bike.
I bet Ken Dodd, the well known (acquitted) fiddler, will be the first to agree. A pioneer of child slavery (is there anyone from the city under 50 left who hasnt played Dickie Mint for two bob and a hold of the ticklestick?) and so old he's living proof we've just had a really mild winter, i think he should top the bill frankly. (For those trying not to remember, Dickie was one of the Diddy Men. A troupe of oompa loompa like vertically challenged men with debatable names (Nigel Smallpiece, Weany Wally...) that performed with Dodd. Allegedly.
And not far behind him, i bet (as long as the social doesn't get to hear about it):

Sonia
the three builders in Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Cilla Black
Pete Burns
Atomic Kitten

and thats about it.
I imagine the finale would have to be one song that symbolises everything the event stands for, y'know, a song close to every Liverpudlians heart. Ohh the pride, the passion, the history. The chance that a few extra column inches might get 'em on I'm A Nobody Get Me In There...each taking a turn at the mic...and if you hear the voices in your head, trust me, its a hoot:

Atomic Kitten (all 3 in different keys but twirling in unison): "Weeeellllll Nowwowwowww"
drummer builder and bass builder: dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk.....
Everyone: "Relax! Don't do it!"
Cilla: "When you want to suck it, do it!"
Diddy Men: "Relax! Don't do it!"
Dickie Mint (winking): "When you want to come..."
Ken Dodd (winking back at him): "When you want to come!" (or should that be a ?)
Everyone: "Heuuh!"
(Sonia, not expecting this, falls, screaming, off the stage into the orchestra pit...)
Cilla: "But live those dreams....surpriiiiise!"
Ken Dodd: "Scheme those schemes..!"
Cilla: "Gotta hit me!" (Pete Burns takes it literally and punches her)
Cilla: "Hit me!" (He hits her again, only harder)
Cilla: "Hit me with those laser beeeeeee...." the sound fading as she too falls, bleeding heavily, into the orchestra pit...
at which point they have to stop and pull both Cilla and Sonia back up onto the stage. However Freddie Starr who's compering (and thats not a lie..) mistakes Sonia for a hamster and eats her.

I mean, we just have to be there. Unfortunately tickets went on sale 2 months ago, and ive called the venue this morning just in case, but ive been told the best seats we can now get are back in Row B. Centre of the house.